


When I Wake

by dieofthatroar



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, SAM can be an asshole sometimes, and turian love stories, but the pathfinder can be an asshole right back, in which i profess my undying love of dead characters, spoilers for turian ark mission, turians deserve a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 05:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10757496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dieofthatroar/pseuds/dieofthatroar
Summary: Now, two have called him Avi: Macen, in his careful, ever-patient voice, and SAM, whenever he falls back into that glitch.“Avi, Avi, Avi…”The truth is, Avitus doesn’t want to fix the AI because he doesn’t know who he would be without that name. He doesn't know what he would do in a galaxy where nobody whispers it in his ear, so quiet that nobody else can hear.





	When I Wake

“Avi, Avi, Avi…” 

Avitus woke suddenly, gasping in his small Nexus apartment. The small, tinny voice was still going off on his private line.  _ Avi, Avi… _

“SAM!” Avitus said, bringing a talon to his temple. “SAM, report on Tann’s response to my last email.” 

“Av-... Tann has not yet responded, Pathfinder. I recommend sending a follow-up if you desire a faster response.”

Avitus fell back into his covers, relieved that the voice was gone. “You know I don’t care about the response, SAM.” He just wanted control over his AI again. A quick glance over at the clock told him it was still early in the constructed day of the Nexus. Avitus could sleep a little longer if he wanted to. If he could. But even when SAM wasn’t glitching out, that voice never really left his head. 

“Pathfinder,” SAM said. “I recommend you fix…” 

“I recommend you shut it.” 

SAM, mercifully, did as it was told. 

Avitus, though, couldn’t fall back asleep. 

 

\---

 

“Avi!” 

Avitus didn’t respond. He continued forward, moving steadfastly toward the shooting range on the other end of the compound. He was new, 15 and fresh at boot camp, and hell if he was going to let a nickname stick to him this early. He was determined to make it. Raise the ranks in Palaven and make it out into the stars, maybe even succeed as an officer. Make his clan proud. Make his parents proud. 

“Avi, wait up!” 

Avitus’ mandibles twitched as he turned around. Macen Barro, just as fresh as he but not afraid to show everyone, ran up to his side. 

“I told you, my name is Avitus,” he said. “Better yet, call me Rix, like you’re supposed to.” 

“That’s boring,” Macen said. “We’re not even close to the training grounds.” 

Avitus strode forward, letting Macen trail behind him. “There are instructors in the halls,” he said. “At lunch, patrolling bunks. You really think they stop paying attention just because we’re not actively training?” 

Nothing Avitus said seemed to make it through Macen’s thick skull. Instead of backing off, Macen trotted up to Avitus’s side.

“You don’t want the instructors to think you’re antisocial, do you?” 

Avitus looked to his right. They were passing the mess hall, chatter rising and falling and spilling out into the hall. 

“I work better alone.” 

They reached the door to the shooting range, but Avitus found it was locked. He tried his access code again, but nothing. They must have increased the security during off hours. Avitus tried hard not to let the frustrated noise out of his throat. There had to be other ways for him to get ahead. He was a good shot, but he had to be the best to get noticed. How was that supposed to happen if he wasn’t able to practice? 

Macen snuck around to his side again, mandibles clicking, as he looked over the keypad. 

“Can’t get in,” Avitus said, brushing him away. “Better find somebody else to follow around. I’m going back to my bunk.” 

But instead of retreating, Macen stepped closer to the closed door. Pulling out his omni-tool, Macen looked over the lock, the door, then his fingers flew over the shimmering keys. After a short beep, Macen chuckled, and the door hissed and opened. 

“Good luck for you, then, that I also like to work alone,” Macen said as he strode inside. “I think we’ll make a good team, don’t you?” 

Avitus looked from the lock to the door, silent. 

“You coming, Avi?” 

Avitus stepped forward, grabbing a gun from the rack just inside. “Avitus,” he said. “My name is Avitus.” 

 

\---

 

Most of Avitus’s pathfinder duties involved tracking the pods ejected from Ark Natanus. They fell everywhere the gravity could pull them. Some, habitable planets like Elaaden or Kadara, others just barely more than asteroids with a minimal atmosphere. Survival was just as mixed. 

The latest lead finds Avitus on planet H-080. Dust storms made landing the ship almost impossible, but the networks of caves on the northern coast of the largest continent make him hopeful that there will be turians alive on the other side. He put his head down and struggled forward. 

“Pathfinder, sir,” Risel, his current second in command, said. She wiped the stray sand from the visor of her helmet. “The winds are too strong. I suggest we make it back to ship before it gets worse.” 

“No,” Avitus said. “No, we’re almost there. We keep going.” 

“But sir, if we get trapped.” 

“We won’t get trapped,” Avitus snapped. 

They continued. 

Sand hit his suit and the fierce winds pushed him sideways, but Avitus was determined to make it past the ridge and into the zone his SAM had marked. He imagined families reuniting, news of lost loved ones making it back in one piece, scared travelers finding solace. 

Instead, when he crossed the last dust dune, he found the wreckage. 

Scattered pieces of ejected pods scattered the area as far as the storm would let him see. Some doors were flung open, talons and shattered plates poking out of the sand, unmoving. Something deep in Avitus’s lungs longed to burst. 

“Scan each one,” he ordered. “I want data on every victim.” 

The imaginings he had clung to faded, replaced with memories of telling his people back on the Nexus that their families were confirmed dead. At the very least, they would stop worrying. Stop hoping. Sometimes, the finality of an answer was enough. 

Sometimes.

 

\---

 

“Where’s our backup?” Avitus shouted over the din of gunshots. “They were supposed to relieve the front line back at our last checkpoint!”

“Still radio silence,” Macen said. “I think we’re going to have to go in alone.” 

The  _ crack, crack, crack, _ of a nearby turret rang in Avitus’s ear. He ducked to the side, pulling out his own gun. 

“Hah, just like we like it?” Avitus joked. As he made to look around the corner of the building, Macen stopped him. 

“Wait, I brought something.” 

Macen took a small metal ball out of his pack. He tapped the outside, and it burst open like an egg, though, full of light and wires. It jumped to the ground and rolled a little ways before finding its legs. 

“Robot?” Avitus asked.

“Scout. My own design,” Macen said. The bot crawled ahead, snaking in and out of the wreckage. It dodged blasts when it needed to, and when it couldn’t, it folded back up into the ball it had come from, protecting itself. Macen pulled up a feed they could watch from behind the protection of the wall. Avitus memorized the location of each and every turret, each enemy lurking behind structures where they thought they could not be seen. 

“Macen, this is brilliant,” Avitus said. 

“You didn’t see the disasters of my first few attempts.” 

“Nothing you do is a disaster. Look at that!” 

“I would call it a disaster if it goes ‘boom’ in your face,” Macen said. 

“Was  _ that _ what that med bay trip was for last month?” Avitus said. “Macen, ask me for help next time!” 

“You? Avi, you’re the one who usually makes things go  _ boom _ .” Macen switched the sight line of the feed, sending instructions to the bot on where to go next. “And I wanted it to be a surprise.” 

“Well, I’m surprised.” Avitus put his back to the wall, counting in his head again the enemies he remembered on the other side. Two by the tower, one gun aimed at the bridge. Third after they jump the side. “Ready?” 

“Your lead,” Macen said. 

Avitus dashed forward. The steady weight of the gun in his hand felt so sure when he knew where to aim it. Five shots, turn, three shots. He hit his targets. Avitus felt amazing. 

Until he heard a yelp at his back. 

Avitus whipped around and saw Macen, singed from a grenade. Then, he noticed a flicker at the corner of his eye. He jumped before he could think, wrapping his arms around Macen and hitting the ground hard. The gunfire whistled above their heads. Avitus struggled back to his knees as Macen pulled up the video feed again. It showed a final enemy hidden behind a broken part of the bridge. Avitus took two steps out of their cover, shot, and hit the target. 

“Next time,” Avitus said, sighing heavy and holstering his weapon. “Would it be possible to make you as indestructible as your little bot friend?” 

“I’ll do my best,” Macen answered with a small laugh.

And relief felt warm and comfortable as he looked down at his friend. 

 

\---

 

Avitus had to return to Nexus leadership with news of another failure. Whose failure, though? He has to ask himself each time he climbs back to his ship, tired and frustrated and wanting so much to give up. 

His? But Avitus was jettisoned like all the others, forced to wake alone in a new world with nothing to guide him but his training. He was just one of the luckier ones - he found himself on a world with enough air to breathe.

Nexus? But they had their own problems as Ark Natanus broke apart.

Macen? No. Never Macen. 

“Avi, Avi, Avi…” 

Who was control over the ship when the pods were let go? Who let his people die? 

“Avi, Avi… The stars...”

“SAM! Mission report!” Avitus shouted. 

“Avi… 32 pods discovered, no signs of life. Scanned organic material shows 32 turians deceased at the time of the crash. Data forwarded to Ark Natanus cryo bay.” 

Avitus sunk his head into his fingers, trying rub the headache out of his skull. 

“Pathfinder, I must insist you see medical. This is as disturbing to me as it is to you,” SAM said in his ear. 

“I’m fine,” Avitus said. “I can deal with it.” 

“I cannot work properly for you if you do not repair this error,” SAM said. 

“You work perfectly fine for my standards,” Avitus said. 

“I doubt that,” SAM said. “If not fix me, I must also remind you that you have a meeting scheduled with the counselor you were assigned when you accepted the pathfinder position.” 

“Ignore it.” 

“You have not gone to a single…”

“I said,  _ ignore it. _ ” 

SAM fell silent for some time and Avitus felt the dull memory of something like relief. He picked himself up and dressed himself to meet with Kandros. He rehearsed what he would say under his breath until SAM interrupted him. 

“I’m… sorry, Pathfinder. I can only learn about life from your experiences. I have access to all your memories, as I also do Pathfinder Macen’s. I only insist on your health because of what I know about you both.” 

Avitus pulled on his coat and zipped it to his neck. 

“You don’t understand anything about us,” Avitus said, and left his room.

 

\--

 

After a successful raid on the rogue mercenary crew’s headquarters, Avitus and his whole team celebrated back at the colony base. He and Macen were in their second deployment after finishing boot camp, managing to stay stationed together the whole time. Higher ups realized they really did work best together. At this one, a moon colony military base, Avitus and Macen were in charge of their squad and had a fair bit of independence in some of the smaller missions. After a sweep like this, captured target and no casualties, even Avitus felt like a little celebration was worth it. 

“Oh, Ina, tell Avi about what you caught Vornn doing last week.” Macen’s mandibles were twitching with excitement, some sort of quarian drink they picked up on a previous mission in his hand. 

“No! Not that story,” Vornn said, groaning. “It was one time!” 

Ina shook her head. “If it was one time, you wouldn’t be so good at it.” 

“Do I really want to know?” Avitus whispered to Macen. He let his hand brush against Macen’s neck as he leaned in, relishing in the closeness they could have when they weren’t actively on duty. The quarian drink must have been already getting to Macen, because he didn’t shrug off Avitus’s hand. Avitus felt where the hard plates turned to soft underskin at his shoulder. 

“No spoilers,” Macen said, passing his drink to Avitus. “It really is best when Ina tells it.” 

They talked in rotating groups throughout the night. Congratulating each other on a job well done, laughing at each other’s past blunders, joking about aliens and adventures at the citadel and old boot camp stories. Macen passed his liquor back and forth with Avitus, who more and more felt like he was drifting, too soft and happy to be on the edge of Turian space. 

And, as is the custom at these sorts of parties full of Turians, the young soldiers paired off and scuttled away to dark rooms and empty quarters as the night went on. 

“Dirus and Ina,” Macen said, gesturing over to the far corner. “Didn’t see that one coming.” 

“Get what you can give,” Avitus said. 

“You think Ina’s that picky?” 

“Not as much as I would expect.” Avitus took one more swig of his liquor. There wasn’t much left. When Macen reached for it, his talons scraped across Avitus’s inner arm and he shivered. The drink had dulled whatever control Avitus had over these reactions, these impulses, that he had been ignoring. He couldn’t help but lean in, savoring the touch. Macen noticed.

Avitus, unfortunately, wasn’t drunk enough to forget how to be embarrassed. 

“What about you?” Macen asked as he finished off the bottle. 

“What about me?”

“Picky?” 

Avitus’s heart raced faster than it ever had during training when those guns were pointed at him and nothing but his own biotic shields to protect him. Even faster than the battles they had won to get here, celebrating. 

“Depends on who’s asking,” Avitus said, not meeting Macen’s eye. 

“Avi…” 

The talon scraped his skin again, deliberate this time. Avitus glanced around the room. Only a few of his squad members were around, either sleeping or otherwise occupied. Macen’s touch withdrew, and Avitus almost whined from its absence. 

“Avi?” 

“Spirits, yes.” 

“Where?” 

“Mine,” Avitus said, standing abruptly. The ground moved under his unsteady feet and it was already too late to turn back. He led the way to his room. To his bed. “Let’s go.” 

 

\--

 

The next mission out almost made up for all the failures. Avitus followed a signal to the far edge of unexplored Eos. As he got closer, he prepared himself for another field of carnage. He reminded himself of his purpose, of Macen’s encouraging words when his self-doubt would rear its head. 

“Pathfinder, the signal is coming from the other side of this mountain,” SAM said. 

“You alright?” Risel asked. She was watching him carefully. He wondered if Kandros or Tann noticed anything off. Was Risel was under orders to keep him in line?

Avitus nodded stiffly. He was ready. 

But they didn’t find scattered remains or empty pods. Instead, they found families.

Like Avitus, they had woken from their pods on a strange planet, not knowing what had happened. But unlike Avitus, they weren’t close enough to any civilizations to get noticed faster. It was only because SAM was getting better at tracking the signatures of the pods that Avitus was able to find them at all. In the couple months they had lived out on Eos alone, they had built themselves a little outpost. Shelter, made partially from the ruins of what had fallen from Ark Natanus with them, a functioning water filter, and barricades to keep out the Kett. 

“Don’t worry,” Avitus said to the Turians who greeted them at the gate of their haphazard home. “We’re here to take you to the Nexus. The ark survived, we survived. We can thrive here in this new galaxy.” 

“Who are you?” the Turian at the front said, brandishing his gun. Military trained to the core. 

“Turian pathfinder, Avitus Rix,” he said. 

“What happened to Barrow?” 

Avitus searched for the right words. They didn’t come easy. “He died, protecting the Ark,” Avitus said. “Instead you’ve got me. SAM, will you send these coordinates to the Nexus? Time these settlers get their proper welcome.” 

“Yes, Pathfinder.”

 

\--

 

When Avitus woke the next morning, the bed was empty next to him. He checked the clock, he still had plenty of time to get ready for the morning patrols. Avitus closed his eyes against the blinding light. Besides a headache and dry mouth, his soreness was the good kind. He wondered where Macen got off to. He usually woke early than Avitus did. It annoyed him to no end when they first shared a room on their first assignments after boot camp. Macen would wake before the sun to tinker with his newest invention. Avitus would tell him to be quiet before rolling over and falling back asleep. 

Avitus pulled on his uniform and his gear, making it to the mess hall just in time for breakfast. Still, no sign of Macen. He ate with a couple of his squadmates, discussing the gossip of the previous night (glad that he isn’t on the list) before strolling out the door for patrol. There, he finally spotted Macen, waiting at the edge of the field. 

And somehow, after years so close, it took an effort to bring a greeting to his mouth. “Macen,” Avitus said, though it sounded stiff and formal to his ears. 

“Hey, Avi,” Macen said back, just as awkward. Avitus looks over the arch of his spine, the way he was holding his gun. It was all wrong. And in that moment, Avitus realized that the night had been a mistake. That they were both just drunk and horny and Macen was regretting the fact that the closest body to him was his friend’s. The empty bed, the way Macen wouldn’t look at him... He didn’t have time to think about it before the rest of the squad gathered around them. 

During the morning report, Avitus hoped that the waver in his voice wasn’t obvious. Hoped that it wasn’t clear that there was a distance between him and Macen that wasn’t there the night before. He dismissed the teams with a final word on assignments. 

Macen was the first to speak when they were alone again. 

“I was contacted by Blackwatch,” Macen said. He shifted on his feet, kicking moon dust into the air. “I’m going to take the engineering position that opened up back on Palaven.” 

“Oh,” Avitus said. “Alright. If… if that’s what you want. It’s a good opportunity for you.” 

“You should take that offer from Saren,” Macen said. 

“I’m not sure if…” 

“You can’t say no to the Citadel, Avi. It’ll be everything you’ve wanted since you joined up. You know they’re looking to tap you for Spectre training.” 

The Citadel sounded lonely without Macen there with him. But Macen had made his own decision. One that took him far away. 

“When did Blackwatch message you?” Avitus decided to ask.

“A couple weeks ago,” Macen said. “I told them my decision this morning.” 

And, somehow, that stung Avitus more than anything else. He walked away without another word, leaving Macen alone in the swirling dust of a moon on the edge of nowhere.

 

\--

  
  


Avitus personally assisted with the extraction of the Turians from Eos, counting them again and again as they boarded the shuttles. 41 citizens, all alive. All heading back to where people were waiting for them. Even Tann would praise his efforts on the field for this accomplishment. 

“Two more can fit on this shuttle,” Avitus said to the line waiting behind him. The next two in line, a couple, climbed aboard. They held each other close like they would float into space if they let the other go. When they took their seats, they stared at each other with such gravity that Avitus felt as if he was intruding on something private. Something not for him. His throat was raw and dry and he closed the ship’s door.

“Avi, Avi, Avi…” 

“SAM,” Avitus instructed, tired of the intrusion. “Time till next shuttle drop.” 

“17 minutes, Pathfinder.” 

Blessed silence followed. “Thanks, SAM.” 

“I am picking up a signal from an unknown source,” SAM said. 

“What is it? Another set of pods?” 

“I am not sure. It is weak and distant. Do you want me to track it?” 

“Yes. Let me know if you find the source.” 

“Yes, Pathfinder.” 

 

\--

 

When Avitus did finally get asked to join the Spectres some two years into his work at the Citadel, the first thing he does is vid call with Macen. 

“You’ll never guess what they want me to do,” Avitus said. 

“I think I can.” 

Macen looked well. He was thriving in his engineering gig - it was just enough freedom to do what he wanted, but just enough utility that the Turian military would benefit from his genius. He had shown off the seventh iteration of his combat bot during their last vid call. Avitus always loved watching Macen’s eyes sparkle and listening to his voice pitch high when he got excited. 

“I’m not so sure about it,” Avitus said. “There’s almost no oversight. I see how Saren works. He takes me on some of his missions. I don’t know if anyone should even have that much power.” 

“I believe in you,” Macen said. “If anyone can do it, it’s you.” 

“Me and my tendency to make things go  _ boom?” _

“I hear that helps when you’re a Spectre.” 

Avitus laughed, though it felt like he does so just to feel closer to Macen. 

“You need to promise me something,” Avitus said. 

“Anything, Avi.” 

“Keep me in check, alright? Don’t let me become some vigilante who loses sight of why I’m doing what I’m doing.” 

“You know that’s what I’m here for.” Macen winked. “Blackwatch tends to be pretty high clearance, information wise. And I don’t think they know how easy it is for me to hack the main consoles.” 

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” 

“Pretend all you want,” Macen said. “But remember. I’ll always find you if you need me.” 

Avitus wanted to say he always needed Macen. But he swallowed that thought and touched the screen to end the call. The sinking feeling of silence in his empty room overtook him, the withdrawal from Macen’s company. Sometimes, he wondered about that one day at the end of their time stationed together. If sleeping together for one night was the worst decision for their friendship, or if it had given a memory that would be worth all the worrying. This time, the feeling only weighed on his shoulders for a moment before he shrugged it off. His new title was so close now. Avitus concentrated on that, on his meeting with the council the next day. On the knowledge that, even after all they’ve been through, Macen would still always have his back.

 

\--

 

Avitus wasn’t sure how he ended up in another firefight with the Roekaar on Havarl, but here he was, waist deep in pond water and genetically modified slime, fending off the angry Angarans. 

“Two to your right,” SAM said, and without thinking, Avitus shot off rounds into the bushes beyond his view. Normally, Avitus wasn’t one to do what he was told. (Strange for a Turian, though not so strange for a Spectre. As a Pathfinder, he’s not so sure which impulse to follow.) But with SAM, it became hard to know what was his own intuition, expanded by the AI neural networks, and what was the command of another being. “Incoming, grenades. I suggest the hill to your left for cover.” 

“Suggest all you want, SAM,” Avitus growled under his breath. “But I want a way to get through these blockades.” 

“That would be unwise.” 

“This whole planet is unwise,” Avitus said. 

“There are degrees in the matter,” SAM said. Avitus almost laughed as he charged into the fray again. 

Ten Roekaar and a mile more of swampy lowland later, Avitus finally found the tech he was looking for. He scanned it, tagged it, then reported back to the ship for pickup. His arms ached, his leg hurt from where shrapnel dug through his suit, and all he wished to do is stare up at the sky through the thick covering of leaves. Avitus took his rest while Risel stood guard. 

“Avi, Avi… The sky is… Avi… The stars...” 

The voice is half in dream, half hard and grainy in his ear. It plays over and over and Avitus isn’t sure if it’s real anymore. 

“Avi… Transmit… Avi… The stars...” 

“SAM, shut that off,” Avitus said. Willing the noise to go away, too tired to think of how to do it right. He just wanted to go to bed.

“Avi, Avi…” 

“SAM, stop it. Stop it,  _ please _ .” All Avitus wanted to think about was the comfortable pillow he had in his Nexus apartment. Soft music and sleep. He thought he deserved that much. How long until they got back? How long till that pillow?

“The stars…”

“SAM,” Avitus tried again. “Calculate distance home.” 

“Av- 2.5 million light years, Pathfinder.” 

And Avitus thought of the last time he had seen Macen, falling under in his cryo pod, somewhere in the Milky Way. 

 

\--

 

When Avitus fell for that stupid trap, the one that got him stuck in a basement on Omega with no comms and no guns and no way out, all he could do is think that he deserved it. He had been so angry with how little the Citadel cared about the connection between rising crime rates in the wards and the blatant cover-up by that Asari politician. Avitus wondered, as his captors chained and starved him, demanding information he would never give, what his last communications were. If they pointed to where he went at all. He had taken this lead solo, left almost immediately when he found the origin of those stolen weapons caches. 

The hours, the days, they kept him started bleeding together. His captors came less and less as they realized he wouldn’t speak, bringing hardly enough food or water to sustain him, yet not ever outright ending it.  _ Kill me _ , Avitus wanted to say.  _ Kill me, don’t just leave me here to rot. _ But he knew they wouldn’t. They had captured a Spectre, they were just trying to figure out how to use him properly. 

Three days later - or maybe four? - Avitus was teetering in and out of consciousness. His wrists were raw from where the shackles held him, but besides that, he didn’t feel much of anything anymore. The Citadel had probably already given up on him. Then, Avitus started hearing a  _ tick, tick,  _ noise outside the door. It was mechanical and repetitive, but nothing he had heard in his time here yet.  _ Tick, tick, SCREECH, _ and the door slid open. A small bot crawled across the space toward his lap, stuck two of its thin legs up in the air, and stopped as if it was looking at him. Then, without another pause, scuttled to the locks of his restraints and started teasing them apart. 

When the door opened the next time, Macen stepped through. 

Macen, with blue drips of blood coating the side of his coat and sharp eyes watching him. Macen, whom Avitus hadn’t seen without a screen between them for at least two years. Though dust and grime and carnage stained Macen’s clothes, Avitus’s first thought was that had never seen a sight so beautiful. 

“Blackwatch isn’t supposed to be out this far from Palaven,” Avitus managed to say as Macen reached his side, though his tongue was fuzzy and his throat raw.

“Spectres aren’t supposed to be this stupid,” Macen replied. 

He touched his forehead to Avitus’s, gently but firmly, like this was how they had always greeted each other. Even when the rest of Macen’s team gathered behind him, comms buzzing with orders and static, Macen didn’t let go. He dug his talons into the back of Avitus’s head and held him, safe.

“You found me.” 

“No thanks to you. I had to go to Victus himself to get clearance to track what you had been doing before you disappeared. Not that I wouldn’t have come anyway, but it’s good to have official backup.” Macen loosened his grip only to wrap his arms around Avitus’s back and help him onto his feet. When Avitus pitched forward, Macen held him up like his weight was nothing. “You take this  _ Spectres work alone _ thing to an unnecessary extreme. Next time, tell someone what your plan is?” 

“Citadel wouldn’t have given me the go ahead.” 

“Tell  _ me _ what your plan is then?” 

Avitus closed his eyes and felt the warmth and strength of Macen’s arms.  _ I don’t need to be babysat _ , would be the response he would give if anybody else asked.  _ Don’t worry about me _ , was one he would reserve for Macen, though at this moment it didn’t seem appropriate. Instead, Avitus just nodded. He knew Macen could feel his fringe against his cheek as he did so, and Avitus didn’t have to say anything at all out loud. 

 

\--

 

“Pathfinder, I am picking up that signal again,” SAM told Avitus as they orbited above Eos.

“Have you been able to trace it yet?”

“No. It is not the same signature as the pods, though it seems to be of Milky Way design origins.” 

Avitus looked back to the reports on his computer. He needed to get these done before they landed. Dull, but necessary. “We can let the Nexus leadership know. Maybe the human pathfinder can look into it. She seems the type to enjoy mysteries.”

“I believe it is best if you do so yourself, Pathfinder.” 

Avitus sighed and darkened the screen. “And why is that, SAM?” 

“Because it is coming in on a private signal. It is directed to us, personally.” 

“Somebody is trying to contact the turian Pathfinder?” 

“It would seem so.” 

Avitus got up from his chair and made his way to the large windows that stretched across his room. The stars were still unfamiliar to him. No constellations with turian names and mythology he could guide himself by. No other translations - to human, to asari, to krogan - to memorize. Everything was new and different. Maybe, he thought, he should memorize the angaran names. 

“What can I do to help you locate the source?” Avitus asked. 

“Go to SAM node on the Natanus. I will be able to better use the resources to amplify the signal.” 

“Then, we’ll set course to the Nexus. Time for a little more adventure.” 

 

\--

 

Ten years into Avitus’s service as a Spectre, and five years since he and Macen bought a couple apartments together (one in the Citadel, one on Paladen, for whenever they could be at either) Avitus finally felt like his life finally had consistency. 

There were days, weeks, that he was alone - tied up on the Citadel or on a mission that would take him to a far away planet. But it was never permanent. He had home, and it was with Macen. Avitus could take anything those missions threw at him if he knew what was waiting for him when he was done. 

On his days off, he could lounge on a couch, watching Macen play with tech scattered in a thousand pieces across the floor. Avitus would grumble when he stepped on a piece, throwing it at Macen with only half an intention to hit his carapace. Macen, whose training had grown on him, would catch the discarded piece without more than a glance. 

“Thanks, Avi. I was looking for that bit.” 

“If only there were a better way to store your parts,” Avitus said. “Like a desk. Or a shelf.” 

“Why would I need those? I have you.” 

“Yes, yes. How convenient.” 

Blackwatch used Macen as more engineer than active field officer now than they had at the beginning of both of their careers. It meant Macen could choose where to be for much of the year unless special operations called on him specifically. His job was to invent. To think of things that the stars had never seen before and make it real. Their apartments were full of half-finished ideas and sketches of designs too large to fit through the door. Many days, Avitus would come home to find Macen with three computer screens open, his omnitool running, and a spread of gadgets under his fingers. 

“What are you working on now?” Avitus asked, peering over Macen’s shoulder. 

“Secret,” Macen said, though put no effort in hiding his designs. It wasn’t as if Avitus could decipher the math as it was. 

“Everything has been secret recently,” Avitus said. “When do I get to find out?” 

Macen reached behind him and pulled Avitus close. Macen’s hand ran over Avitus’s neck and Avitus let his hum of pleasure vibrate through his throat. “Soon. I promise. I’m really excited to show you.” 

“Not even a hint?” 

Macen thought for a moment before extracting himself from his pile of bits and pieces of tech. Avitus followed him up. He walked to the bedroom and up to the wide windows. Macen looked out at the stars, and Avitus looked at Macen. 

“Have you thought about what you want to do next?” 

“Spectre seems like an end game for me,” Avitus said. “A nice retirement maybe. Somewhere nice. Hopefully, before I lose a limb.” 

Macen laughed. “I think that sounds nice.” 

“You have something else in mind.” 

There was something beneath Macen’s laugh. Like the flutter of his mandibles before he solved a problem or the glint in his eye he got before winning an argument. Something that Avitus wanted to pull from under the surface and make real. 

“Before that,” Macen said. “You never said if you’re coming with me to the dinner.” 

Avitus put his hands around Macen’s waist. It anchored him. “Turian politics. Sounds so boring.” 

“I need to be there. Victus’s orders. But I want you to come.” 

“Appearance by a Spectre? Good publicity.” 

“I want you to be there  _ with _ me,” Macen said. “As my… as my mate.”  

Avitus let go of Macen. He backed up a couple steps, unsure of where to put his now empty hands. “You never wanted…”

“I know.” 

“But before…”

_ “I know.” _

“You’re sure?” 

“I want you to meet someone,” Macen said. He did look sure, gazing out the window again to the night sky and the hanging stars they could see through the city lights. His smile was back. “Secret someone. Maybe she’ll let you see one or two of my designs.” 

“Your mysteries will be the end of me,” Avitus said. 

“Just think of it as a retirement plan,” Macen said and kissed him, slow and deliberate. 

 

\--

 

Avitus had been avoiding SAM node on Ark Natanus. It was powerful. It was useful. It amplified everything that the SAM in his head was. 

Which included broken. 

They called it trauma. But it was an AI, was the word correct? A piece programming ripped apart by the death of its commander. Avitus didn’t want to call it trauma. He wanted to call it faulty. All the pods ejected on Ark Natanus were casualties of the glitch that reminded him every day of what he had lost. As much as Avitus wanted to forget, he didn’t have the right. As the Pathfinder, he needed to feel the enormity of every one of his decisions, and understand their consequences. 

Avitus needed to remind himself of how fallible SAM was. How breakable they both were. 

But now, in the node, he wished it would all go smoothly. That was not the case. 

“I am having trouble accessing the… star, star, star…” 

“What’s going on?” 

“Star… It seems there is a block in the system. Whenever I try to retrieve data from the signal it… Avi, Avi… The stars…” 

“Fix it.” 

“As I said, I cannot unless you agree to go to medical. If I… Avi. Beautiful. Avi…  _ Avi. I don’t know if you’ll hear this. Maybe it’s better if you don’t. Me, gushing. Spirits, who am I? Avi, I wish you could see this with me.”  _ In front of Avitus’s eyes, the room changed. Shifted and became dark and he was looking up at the vast expanse of Andromeda’s sky.  _ “The stars, they’re so beautiful.” _

The blue of SAM’s light flickered and it was silent once again. The room was still and solid.

“SAM,” Avitus said. “What was that?” 

“I am not sure. A memory, perhaps, unlocked from the part of my system that is still recovering.” 

Avitus found he was shaking slightly. “Recovering?” he hissed. “That is not what you’re doing to  _ me _ . Do you understand what this is doing to me?” 

“I feel what you feel, Pathfinder.” 

“That isn’t  _ good enough!” _

Avitus pulled his arms together and tried to take deep breaths. He needed to try again, dig deeper into that broken part of SAM if he wanted to trace the signal. But it was too much. It was all too much. 

“You alright?” 

Avitus turned, hand automatically going to his holster, though on the Natanus he wasn’t armed. At the door stood Ryder, the human pathfinder. She was leaning against the frame, watching him. 

“Yeah, um…” Avitus said, glancing back at the now quiet SAM. “Just, working on something.”

“Something,” Ryder said, walking over to him. Avitus could see that she pretended not to notice the way he slunk back at her approach. She was not offended. Instead, she seemed to be listening to something beyond Avitus’s hearing. It took him a moment to realize it was her own SAM. “It stores memories, I’m sure it told you. Sometimes, when it’s necessary, my SAM shows me things my father wanted me to see. Do you think your SAM is doing the same?” 

“I don’t think my SAM has control over what it’s doing,” Avitus said. He shook his head. “No, I’m trying to trace a signal that was sent to me, but it was too weak to follow.” 

Ryder looked like she wanted to say more, but turned to the SAM instead. “SAM, are you able to transfer any of that data to my SAM so we can help with the trace?” 

“Yes, Pathfinder Ryder. Sending now.” 

“Anything?” Avitus asked. Ryder tilted her head, listening again. 

“It seems to be coming from Suuricco, though any information sent along with the signal has been corrupted. I’ll give you the nav point.” 

“Thanks.” 

Ryder nodded and turned to leave. Before she made it through the doors, she paused. “It’s cruel, isn’t it? The memories,” she said. “I know you don’t want to talk. I didn’t either. But… but nobody else knows what that’s like. So, if we’re both around Nexus at the same time again…” Ryder shrugged and left, not expecting an answer from Avitus. 

He decided that human was alright.

 

\---

 

The news about Saren should have been a surprise, but nothing is much of a surprise when you work so close to someone for so many years and your job is to deal in secrets. 

Still, Avitus made sure to throw a few bottles of liquor around his apartment and listen to the glass shatter. He drank everything he didn’t destroy and then went out shooting. When Macen came back to their shared Palaven apartment, he stepped carefully around the destruction to find Avitus lying in bed, looking up at nothing. 

“Have you talked to Shepherd?” Macen asked. 

“I’m helping her best I can, but…” Avitus blinked. “Nihlus. We were friends. I would never have thought Saren would betray him like that. The Council  _ still _ doesn’t think he did it.” 

“What makes you so sure what the human says is true?” 

“I don’t need to trust Shepherd. I know Saren.” Avitus lifted himself up from the bed to lean on Macen. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“It’s too much power, I’ve always thought so. And this? No.” He inhaled Macen’s scent. “There’s always our retirement plan to think about. My time as a Spectre always had its limit.” 

Macen looked around at the floor. The plant in the corner had a few leaves missing, the soil pouring out of the crack in its pot. One of the computer screens was hanging by a couple wires and the stench of spilled liquor spread over the carpet. 

“Are you going to be alright?” 

“Yeah. Fine.” 

“Avi, I’m serious. I’m only taking the Pathfinder position if I know you’ll be there with me, to support me. Fully there.” 

“I’m leaving this galaxy for you. I’d do anything,” Avitus said. “Especially if you’re around to stop me before I do something stupid.” 

“Like break half our apartment.” 

“Yes. Like break half our apartment.” 

 

\--

 

The trip to Suuricco was longer than anticipated. Avitus liked plans. He liked knowing what he was walking into so he could prepare. As a Spectre, he was usually the one with the most information. The highest clearance, the one whispering across the table. Traveling to Andromeda was a jump into the unknown, but even then he had Macen. If he could trust that Macen knew what he wanted, Avitus was alright playing it by ear. 

But now he was following a corrupted signal that had played havoc with SAM’s control to a planet none of the alliance had set foot on. Wonderful. 

The planet was cold, but there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. Plants that had adapted to the chill clung to rock faces all around their landing zone and strange lichen climbed the branches into the bright sunlight. Avitus scanned the area but found no intelligent life forms yet. Avitus ordered groups to spread out and search the area. Risel stayed by his side as SAM directed them to a set of caves a couple miles north. 

“Pathfinder, I’m picking- Avi, Avi… the sig- Avi, Avi…” 

“SAM, miles to nav point.” 

“One point… Sta-...” 

“SAM?” 

The AI was silent. 

“Damn it,” Avitus said. Risel raised her head.

“Something I should be worried about?” Risel asked. 

“SAM is having trouble communicating. Something nearby might be interfering with it.” 

Risel stopped. “I don’t like the sound of that.” 

“No, It’s not…” How was Avitus supposed to explain that SAM had never been fully functional? He hadn’t told his crew about the glitches. Thankfully, they never experienced them with their everyday work on the ship. It was only him. In his implant and on the Natanus. It was the connection that was the glitch. “It’s fine, we keep moving.” 

Risel didn’t argue. But she was Turian, so of course, she didn’t. Many times during his time as Spectre, Avitus wondered if that was the right thing for Turians to teach their young. Duty above all else. Adherence to the hierarchy. Was Saren a product of that, or was he an example of why it was so important? 

Avitus and Risel made it to the mouth of the cave and listened. Without SAM responding, he would have to rely on his own, unaltered senses. Just like he had always done before. He was fine on his own. There was noise coming from inside. It was uneven but mechanical sounding. Avitus pulled out his gun and motioned Risel forward. They turned the corner and found the source of the noise. A generator. One that looked scrapped together from Milky-way parts. 

“Somebody is here,” Risel said. 

Then, there was shouting from somewhere deeper into the caves. “At the doors! They tripped the wire!” 

It was in a Turian language.

“Hello?” Avitus shouted back. “We’re coming from the Nexus.” 

Three Turians emerged from the darkness just beyond the generator. They held guns toward them but lowered them as soon as they saw Avitus put his arms up. 

“Nexus?” the closest to Avitus said. “They made it?” 

“I’m Pathfinder Rix,” Avitus said. “I followed the signal you sent out.” 

“I can’t believe it worked! We didn’t know if we were signalling to thin air. The ark, Nexus - we had no way of contacting them.” The turian lit a lantern and warm light flooded the entrance to the caves. It looked like they constricted to a narrower path ahead, heavily blockaded by rocks and whatever debris could be used as a fortification. 

“What about the pods?” Avitus asked. “All those were equipped with trackers. I had been using those to find groups like yours, but there weren’t any at all where you landed.” 

“Pods? We woke on the ark. Our escape ship landed here after we hit the scourge. Everything was fried, we had nothing.” 

“You were part of the skeleton crew?” Avitus said. “How did I get your location?” 

“Your SAM, of course. It was the only way…” his comm started beeping furiously. A quick word into the speaker and his face fell. “Kett, coming around again. Everyone to their stations.” 

Commotion started around him and Avitus and Risel fell into familiar formation. Hold the entrance, don’t get flanked. He made his way to cover behind a boulder. 

“Been able to hide out fine here so far,” another turian explained. “But these bastards keep coming through. We don’t venture too far out onto the terrain, so we haven’t been able to find where they’re coming from.” 

The kett made quick time once they entered. They charged through the opening of the caves and spread out. They were in overwhelming numbers compared to the turians, but Avitus had seen worse odds. They fought like hell. Fire and dust and the cave’s darkness competing with the brightness of the sun outside. The kett’s sharp language grating against Avitus’s ears. 

When another dropship full of kett came through, a set of makeshift bots scuttled out from behind them. Some rolled, some flew, some tiptoed on thin metal legs. When they came in range of the kett, some blew up. 

“Thank the spirits,” the turian next to Avitus said. “Finally.”

“What…?” Avitus said as a bot flew by. It stopped in the dusty air next to him, spun, and turned its sensors on him. 

“Avi…” it said, mechanical voice echoing through its small body. “Avi…” 

“SAM,” Avitus said, trying to see if his AI would respond. Was somehow responsible for the strange robot flying about his face. “SAM, report.” Nothing. 

“Avi…” it said again, before sending a beam of bright light toward an approaching kett. The kett was knocked back, the bot turned again and flew back to Avitus’s side. As Avitus pushed forward, running the rest of the kett out, the flying bot never left the range of his shoulder. Avitus shot left, the bot shot right, the kett were fleeing. It was like having the heightened senses of SAM again. Or, like having a trusted friend at his back. 

It was like…

“Avi!” 

It was a real voice. A true voice, this time. Filled with life it hadn’t had for months. His name felt so full. Avitus twisted and squinted toward where it came from, where the cave narrowed and grew dark. Just beyond the shadows, he saw the glint of a pair of eyes he had last seen in the milky way. His mouth was dry. He held his breath. 

“Avi, to your left! Move!” 

Avitus hadn’t noticed the kett behind the boulder. Just as his attention wavered, looking back into the dark, a shot rang out and he felt a bullet pierce his armor.

Avitus fell. 

 

\--

 

“They call it SAM,” Macen said, tapping his head as if Avitus would be able to see the implant.

“Sounds too friendly for an AI.” 

“There is nothing in my programming against being friendly,” SAM’s mechanical voice replies from the console on their desk. 

“Yeah,” Avitus said. “That’s creepy.” 

“Each pathfinder gets their own,” Macen said. “Best tech available.” 

“Did you have a part in this?” 

“Not SAM itself, no. But integration into the arks and cross-comm communications, yes. I’ve had a lot of dealings with SAM here before we got this… intimate.” 

“Oh, spirits,” Avitus said. 

“What?” 

“It’s going to be in bed with us. Listening to us…” 

“Avi…” 

“That’s like, AI voyeurism or something.” 

“I learn from the experiences of my pathfinders,” SAM said. “I don’t have preferences beyond your own.” 

Avitus and Macen looked at each other a moment before bursting into laughter. Avitus’s ribs hurt from his cackles as he collapsed onto the chair behind him, taking Macen with him and onto his lap. “Did you hear that, Macen? What preferences is it talking about?” 

SAM spoke up again. “If you prefer, you can silence me for some predetermined periods of time.” 

“That sounds more palatable,” Macen said, pushing Avitus onto the bed.

 

\--

 

Avitus woke to the sound of his voice, and when he opened his eyes, he saw the stars. 

“Avi?” 

The pain in his side was raw, but not deep. Already repairing, from the feel of it. Perks of an AI that can feel what you feel. Avitus stretched, and it wasn’t bad. He blinked again, eyes adjusting to the dim light. 

“Avi, are you alright?” 

Avitus turned toward the sound of his voice. Macen’s voice. And saw him sitting beside him, watching. Waiting for Avitus to say something. 

“SAM?” Avitus said. “Is this another one of those memories?” 

“It is not, pathfinder. Your neural networks are currently processing external stimuli.” 

Macen shifted, eyes not leaving his. “Avi, please. Say something to me.” 

“Macen…” Avitus’s voice cracked. His ribs ached more when he pulled himself to sit up, but Macen was there to support him. There were new scars on his arms, tears and raised lines that Avitus didn’t recognize, but he’d felt the way Macen folded his arms around his hundreds of times. He would never forget. “You were dead.” 

“For a couple minutes there, yeah. Good thing there’s life support on the escape ships.” 

“SAM told me you were  _ dead!” _

“I know. I know. I’m sorry,” Macen said into his neck. Avitus could feel his mandibles move. “Avi, I’m so sorry.” 

“You used SAM to bring me here,” Avitus realized. “They were your messages.”  

Macen nodded. “The transfer was incomplete. I could feel SAM tearing apart, even when I was waking up. I didn’t know if it wasn’t transferring to you because it was corrupted or if it was because you…” He trailed off, gripping Avitus harder. “There’s a bit of it, still in me. Not enough to be useful, really. But enough that I could integrate it into what tech I could build here and try to connect it back to the main node on Natanus.”

Macen’s talon traced up Avitus’s arm and fit it into the crook of his neck. Avitus swallowed, not wanting the tears he’d been keeping down for the past few months to leak out. Not now. Avitus sank into Macen’s scent, the feel of Macen’s skin, the thrumming of his heartbeat. He tuned in and centered himself.

“The glitches?” Avitus asked, carefully training his words to come out smooth. “Were they from you too?”

“Glitches?” Macen asked. 

“They’ve been happening since SAM’s been with me. Your voice, again and again. Every time in a loop, talking about the stars.” 

“Could be. Or caused by the absence of the part I still had.”  Macen leaned back and looked up. The sprawl of unfamiliar lights spread out over their heads. So vast, waiting to be explored. “You have to admit, though. The stars. They might have been worth the journey.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The Turian ark mission killed me. I couldn't leave it like that. 
> 
> I'm dieofthatroar on tumblr. Yell at me about aliens.


End file.
